Sometimes when I get the angriest at life (or, God) is when it appears God and I are pursuing 2 different agendas. You see, as a pastor, my flesh and God often appear to have the same agenda–many times what is “good” for the Kingdom of God is also good for me… For example, when God moves and people get saved at our church, that increases the size of my church, which increases the size of my stature, reputation, and even income. Or, when God anoints me with a powerful word to preach, that sermon gets downloaded, passed around, and talked about a lot… again, aggrandizing me personally.
For that reason, it’s often difficult for me to distinguish in my heart Jesus’ prayer of submission, “let thy kingdom come,” from Satan’s prayer of rebellion, “let my kingdom come.”
But then… God does something around me that is good for His Kingdom but not good for me personally… He moves powerfully in some way that has nothing to do with me. Someone else’s church grows; someone else grows popular… and I wonder, “Why, God, could that not have been me? Why didn’t you do that here? Why not me?” And I tend to get angry, disappointed, and even feel self-pity that God enlarged Himself in someone else besides me.
Rather than rejoice at God’s lavish goodness to His people, I bemoan that God did not do His work in a way more personally beneficial to me. Sheez. I am Jonah, bemoaning the death of a tree that gave me a little shade when God just saved millions of individuals. Even worse, I am Saul, quietly wishing the death of some “David” because the people sing, “Saul has killed his thousands, but David his tens of thousands.”
In my more sober moments, I thank God that He often chooses others besides me to do His most powerful work, because otherwise I don’t think I would ever see the self-centeredness of my own heart. I would never be able to separate “thy kingdom come” from “my kingdom come.” I would never cease to be Satan and start to be a son of God. God’s grace to me is revealing my own idolatrous heart by enlarging others instead of me so I can see how much of my own flesh is wrapped up in my ministry.
Let me therefore encourage you… especially you brother pastors…. not to get depressed when God chooses someone else, besides you, to do His work. It is, perhaps, one of His greatest graces to you… because probably the greatest prayer we can ever learn to pray is “He must increase, but I must decrease.” After all, the most powerful preachers (as Jesus said of John the Baptist), are those, like John the Baptist, who realize they are simply a dispensable messenger pointing to a glorious King.
JD-
Thanks for this word on a day when I am more like a son of the devil than a Son of the King. I pray that this truth would take root in my own heart.
Ryan
Thanks JD for keeping it real. That is a challenge to my heart and something I am grappling with today. God Bless.
Wow. Good stuff JD. As I heard someone recently say (may have been Swindoll) – it’s important to keep this question at the forefront: “What is my intention?”
I’ve thought about that a lot since. It’s amazing how it changes my response to things.
Thanks for that post J.D and for putting things in perspective. This is something I definitely struggle with as I know many of us do. I think sometimes people see pastors as being sort of “superhuman” and that they don’t struggle with the same issues that everyone else does. So thank you for sharing your struggles and relating to us!
Thanks for being transparent with a problem that we all deal with.
J.D.,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart and struggles in this area… Though I am not a pastor, as someone in full-time ministry, I have the same struggles. I appreciate your ability to shine godly light and truth upon man’s desire to build our own kingdom. I actually wrote on this idea, too… not as eloquently as you, of course!
http://tiffanydsmith.wordpress.com/2010/03/06/resolve-to-know-nothing/
When I examine my own heart, I need to be radically transformed as to humbly bow before the cross and bathe in His lavish love and greatness. Holy Spirit, rain down on us. Speak to us. Move in us. Expose our idols. Correct, rebuke, reprove. Teach us. Radically transform us. For Your glory… For YOUR glory, Lord Jesus.
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